On Aging

For the first time in my life I actually feel my age, if anything, I may feel even older than my age. I will be 29 years old soon, that means I am almost 30, and that means I am almost dead.

What do I mean that I "feel my age"? I think it means in part that my perspective has changed, a touch more mature and a touch more realistic. This mental construct is paired with a physical element, I look older and I have gray hair.

I talk to people younger than me and I can relate to them, but it is from a remembrance of youth and not a contemporaneous realization of it. I am not a grizzled veteran of anything by any means but as much as I look ahead, the road behind me is long and that past lingers. That is what separates me from youth.

I am still immature, I do stupid things and act childish. The concepts of "youth" and "maturity" are relative, nebulous and subjective, one can "feel" a certain way and always change.

I am older, I do not think I am neccessarily wiser, I would like to be. I am still making my way in the world. I am not sure where I am going,but the gray hair tells me where I have been.