Autumn

...is not here yet, but it's on the way. The temperature has dropped, the highs are now in the 80's and compared to what it has been, it feels down right cool. The mornings and nights are very comfortable and Austin is once again a walkable city.

Other signs of fall are emerging, kids are in school, football is back on TV and Sam Adam's Oktoberfest is in the grocery stores. Autumn is my favorite season, it's not as nice in Texas as it is in the northeast, but it is good enough.

On Aging

For the first time in my life I actually feel my age, if anything, I may feel even older than my age. I will be 29 years old soon, that means I am almost 30, and that means I am almost dead.

What do I mean that I "feel my age"? I think it means in part that my perspective has changed, a touch more mature and a touch more realistic. This mental construct is paired with a physical element, I look older and I have gray hair.

I talk to people younger than me and I can relate to them, but it is from a remembrance of youth and not a contemporaneous realization of it. I am not a grizzled veteran of anything by any means but as much as I look ahead, the road behind me is long and that past lingers. That is what separates me from youth.

I am still immature, I do stupid things and act childish. The concepts of "youth" and "maturity" are relative, nebulous and subjective, one can "feel" a certain way and always change.

I am older, I do not think I am neccessarily wiser, I would like to be. I am still making my way in the world. I am not sure where I am going,but the gray hair tells me where I have been.

Hot, Hot, Heat

So far this summer in Austin we have had over 50 days at 100 degrees or higher. The heat is unrelenting and awful. There is no rain, we are in constant drought and even a cloud, no matter how small, is seen as a gift from the Gods. It is August, at least another month of summer remains.

I hate the heat, even more than Texans or ignorance, it is what I hate most about Texas.* The heat and I do not get along. The heat in Texas makes me, as my Catholic grandfather would put it, 'sweat like a whore in church'. Actually I sweat more than the whore in church, if she even goes anymore.

The time outside can be limited though, one goes from air conditioned apartment, to air conditioned car, to air conditioned gym and to air conditioned work. I am not doing road work, digging ditches or repairing electrical lines. My milieu is middle class, my job is white collar and my exposure to the heat is mostly limited to my bourgeois preoccupation with soccer.

In October the weather will be different. Autumn will come to central Texas and my heart will be full of happiness. The days will be still be warm but the nights will be cooler. I await this with fervid longing and barely disguised impatience.


*some of that was a joke

The Posting...

has been very light recently. The last thing I posted was in July and it wasn't even a new post but something I wrote about three years ago.

I have been busy, not work busy though. Work has been slow but my downtime in Austin has been limited. People, Austin, soccer and Netflix have dominated all my time. I did not have a TV and now I do. The TV can only be used to watch DVDs and this has led me back into the warm embrace of Netflix.

My Netflix queue is up to about forty discs and it is growing. I have already decided to re watch The Wire, Six Feet Under and and start some series that people have recommended. I feverishly work to finish movies and get them into the mail and deal with the short interval before the next ones arrive. And then...gratification is achieved! All my old friends are back, Stringer Bell, Ricky Gervais, and now lots of homely Dutch people in these indie movies someone keeps recommending to me.

Now, I am not a hermit, as I previously stated there is other stuff occupying my time too. The confluence of all these events and happenings has cut down drastically on my reading and writing time. Life has been busy and complicated, which I guess is how life can be at times.

I was thinking recently about how life can be comfortable and interesting but very rarely both at the same time. Comfort quickly can lead to boredom and complacency. When life is interesting it can be both enjoyable and terrifying; it leads to action, it leads to decisions and consequential occurrences. Events get in the way of abstract philosophizing, as they should.

The key, I assume, is finding the balance between comfortable and interesting. Currently I am very rarely bored and only occasionally terrified, I guess that is a start.

He Man

*Editor's Note: While perusing some old word documents I find this post. I believe it came from a previous blog I had. It's a little less serious than most of my usual nonsense, enjoy.

Growing up I was an avid He-Man fan and thoroughly enjoyed watching him destroy evil and save the day while battling the maniacal Skeletor. After watching He-Man again after many years and also reading this article here, I have to ask myself this question: Is He-Man gay?

The evidence is very compelling, He-Man is in good shape, well groomed and spends most of his time (when not crushing skulls) petting his large fluffy kitty cat. The amount of phallic symbols in the show being thrust by and at He-Man is almost too numerous to count. Certainly his choice of outfits is suspicious, I mean furry speedos, Ugg boots and tight fitting pink V-neck blouses (and they are blouses, not shirts)? His hair cut is precious as well. And to top it all off his friends are named Fisto and Ram-Man for chrissakes!

So is He-Man gay? It appears the answer is yes. And yet that ultimately changes nothing. Still he remains my hero, and should serve as a role model for children all over the World. He-Man is a figure we all should aspire to be like; he works out, takes care of his pets, and destroys evil. He-Man is not only a power-top, he is also a true American.

On Living In Texas, Semantics and Labels

I live in Texas but I will never be a Texan. This is not necessarily an exclusive thing, I lived in Hungary and I will never be Hungarian. One might assume there is a distinction here, 'Hungarian' is a nationality while 'Texan' is a geographic label, if you live in America long enough, you can be an American.

Perhaps this all is merely semantic parsing, a distracting deconstruction of language that ceases to have form or function. However, I assert that it does matter, what we label ourselves or are labeled, plays a significant part in how we define ourselves and are defined.

It's all part of our narrative (see this post here for more). The label represents our character in the story. These labels can be lots of things; texan, teacher, renter, swimmer, drug addict, straight, gay, republican, reader, asshole, yankee, etc, etc. These labels serve as nouns and adjectives, they both identify and describe.

Every term is loaded, every term carries preconceived notions about it and the carrier of it. For example, the term 'hipster" is a label that to me carries a negative connotation of shallow materialism, even shallower intelligence and conformity. However others may embrace this term for themselves or feel it represents fashion, uniqueness and sophistication.

We all labels ourselves in different ways and to different audiences. We label through our careers, religions (or lack thereof), political parties, class, race, gender...the list goes on. We also label others of course, it can be useful shorthand in discussions, or a lazy way to make a point.

Labelling is tribalizing, see, look at that, I just labelled labelling. What I mean to say is that as humans we think of ourselves and others in tribes. We are all part of some groups and not of others.

The purpose of this post was due to my awareness of this habit in myself. Labelling seems to be a very common tool most use, and perhaps one that cannot be avoided. To label in some cases can be dehumanizing, or at the very least strip an person of their individuality. People are people, tribes are tribes, one does not completely define another.

Maybe next time I am complaining about all the hipsters in Austin or republicans I'll take a second to pause. They can't all be that bad I'll think to myself, or maybe they are.

On Telling the Truth

What is truth? And when he had said this, he went out again unto the Jews, and saith unto them, I find in him no fault at all. (John 18:38)

We all lie, some more than others. Lying is part of the human condition and it's something we all share. However, I want to discuss lying here and the truth, which should be an antecedent to a lie. The truth must exist, it must be established before a lie can be born, spoken or thought in lieu of truth.

I am not attempting to get all metaphysical here, although it sounds that way, I am not going to survey what "truth" is supposed to be mean from an historical, religious, philosophical sense; not about what is true from the perspective of being, our ultimate existence and creation. It is simply the case that we don't always tell the truth.

Here I think I should drop the royal "we" and stop using it as a cop-out. When I say "we" lie I am referring to myself. I lie, all the time and not in a grand sense but in the banal, everyday. I lie when it is convenient, when it easier than telling the truth. Some lies are to avoid harm or hurt to others but most seem to be pointless and serve no purpose.

There is truth and there is "truth", life is full of both insignificant and penultimate questions that can be dealt with. I say "dealt with" because we in many cases these questions and issues are not dealt with, they are ignored or hidden through lies and misconceptions. Truth can be revealed through lies but more often than not, lies hide truth.

That last statement sounds fairly obvious but the key is defining lies, not necessarily truth. What does it mean to lie exactly? If we believe something, is it a lie, even if it is not the truth? Okay, so now I am getting metaphysical but bear with me. Lies happen for a variety of reasons and to serve a variety of purposes. These reasons and purposes can be both nefarious and noble, worthwhile and cowardly.

This post is rather jumbled and I keep making broad generalizations and assertions while jumping back and forth between 'truth' and 'lies'. I want to think on this more and do a bit of reading before I discuss further.